Do I Love Him, or Just the Idea of Him? 20 Ways to Tell (2024)

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Co-authored byJulianne Cantarellaand Jennifer Mueller, JD

Last Updated: April 12, 2024Fact Checked

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1. If you're in love, your mind turns to him constantly. Being in love is like being addicted to the person you're in love with—it even causes changes to your brain that are similar to being addicted to a substance. One of these similarities is that you can't stop thinking about this man you're in love with. You have basically no control over these intrusive thoughts.^[1]

   • If it were anything else, this might be bad—but because being in love feels great, you probably don't mind it.
   • The downside of this, though, is that always thinking about him leaves little room for other things. You might find it difficult to concentrate at work or keep your mind on a task that you're trying to complete.

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Everything reminds you of him.

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1. You see little things everywhere that he would love. Maybe it's a song that reminds you of him, playing on the overhead everywhere you go. Or maybe you keep seeing cookies in his favorite flavor, or ads for his favorite restaurant. Everywhere you go, you see constant reminders of him and wonder how you missed all these signs before.^[2]

   • When you see these things, you might show your love by getting him a small present. According to dating and relationship expert Julianne Cantarella, you might go with a book by his "favorite author, or [his] favorite coffee...something that's not going to be that expensive but will meet the need of something that [he] really likes."

You want to spend all your time with him.

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1. When you're in love, you don't want to be apart. Dating and relationship expert Julianne Cantarella explains that "love grows over time when you spend time with someone and get to know them." If you're falling in love, she continues, you want to "form a bond with them and a connection with them and share experiences with them."

   • The more time the two of you spend together, the more likely it is that you'll fall in love more quickly. For example, if you spend every evening with him, you'll likely fall in love more quickly than if you only see him once a week.

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You want to know everything about him.

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1. Being in love makes you curious about the other person. Because of your intense feelings about him, you need to know what makes him tick. The more you learn about him, the more you can trust him—and true love requires a foundation of trust.^[3] You also want to make sure that the two of you are on the same page in terms of what you want out of life.

   • Dating and relationships expert Julianne notes that "if you don't share the same goals, the same values, the same relationship vision," the relationship likely isn't going to last very long. Being curious about him allows you to learn these things.

You overlook his small flaws.

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1. Because you love him, you understand that he's not perfect. You'd rather focus on his positive qualities than think about the downsides. After all, you've already looked for red flags and he wasn't waving a single one. If you're truly in love with him, you don't care if he leaves the toilet seat up or forgets to take out the trash.^[4]

   • This doesn't mean that you'll always feel this way. When you first fall in love, you're in the honeymoon phase of the relationship. Eventually, these things might start to irritate you, but that just means you're entering a deeper stage of commitment.
   • If you truly think he has no flaws and is perfect, though, that's more likely to be infatuation than true love. Remind yourself that everybody has flaws and that fact doesn't make them any less worthy of love.^[5]

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1. He might not be perfect, but he seems perfect for you. Studies show people are more satisfied in a relationship when they idealize their partners. In fact, if you're in love, you likely think more highly of him than he does of himself.^[6] You think he's a truly unique individual and feel extremely lucky to be with him.

   • This could be where the idea of "the one" came from—when you're in love, you can't imagine feeling that way about anyone else.
   • Both of you feel lucky to have found each other and don't think a better match exists. You feel as though you've found the right person for you.^[7]

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1. If you're in love, you feel vulnerable and want to please him. While falling in love is a good thing, it's also totally normal to feel a bit nervous or jittery when you're around someone who really matters to you. It's important for you to make a good impression on him and you might be nervous that he'll think badly of you.^[8]

   • There's a scientific basis for this. Falling in love can cause elevated levels of cortisol, a stress hormone that can cause anxiety. Once you feel more comfortable with him, those levels will drop again.

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1. When you're in love, hours seem to last mere minutes. You know the old saying that time flies when you're having fun? Well, you might say that time flies when you're in love and it would be just as true. You're so focused that you're in something like a flow state—your brain is releasing a torrent of feel-good chemicals that increase your focus.^[9]

   • The flow state is normally associated with activities, particularly creative activities. But you can find flow in your relationship as well—and it's a good sign that you're in love.

You feel safe and secure in his presence.

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1. You know you're in love if you feel comfortable with him. Even though you might have a case of the jitters, you know deep down that you're safe and that he's not going to hurt you—physically or emotionally. You likely also feel as though you could tell him anything and he wouldn't bat an eye.^[10]

   • Feeling this sort of safety and security in his presence is a sure sign that you trust him—and you can't have love without trust.

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1. Because you're in love, you feel safe telling him your deepest secrets. You might even find that you're telling him things you've never told another living soul. There's just something about him that puts you at ease. This sort of comfort is one of the building blocks of a truly loving relationship.^[11]

   • Feeling like you can share deep feelings with him is part of what makes your attachment secure and provides the foundation for building an emotional connection.

You reminisce about past moments together.

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1. When you're in love, you want to relive every happy time. Do you find yourself scrolling through old text messages with a big, goofy smile on your face? Congratulations, you're probably in love! Being in love with a person also means being in love with who the two of you are together, so you'll enjoy looking back fondly on the good times you've had together.

   • If you keep a journal, you might also look back on old journal entries to relive the experience of meeting him and getting to know him.
   • Looking back at old photos or sharing old photos with him is another way that you might reminisce together.

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You feel happier and more confident.

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1. Love can make you feel as though you can accomplish anything. The person you were before you fell in love is completely different from the person you are now that you're in love—and you can likely tell. Others might even comment that you look different or that you have a different attitude. You just feel more sure of yourself and ready to take on the world.^[12]

   • You might actually change as well, through the influence of your partner. For example, you might pick up some of his verbal tics.
   • You might also start new habits or routines so you can spend more time with him. For example, you might start jogging with him in the morning.

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1. If you're in love, you don't always need words to fill the void. Communication is important in a relationship, but silence can serve as a communication tool too. Being in a relationship doesn't mean the two of you are talking to each other all the time—if there are moments when you can enjoy the silence together, that typically means that you're at ease with him.^[13]

   • Whether you're reading books or taking a quiet walk, this silent companionship helps you build and strengthen your connection to each other.

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You want him to meet your friends and family.

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1. When you're in love, you want to integrate him into your life. You're excited for him to meet the other people you love—and you want them to love him too. You want them to be happy that the two of you have found each other and welcome him with open arms. Caring about what your friends and family think of your newfound love is a good indication that you're falling for him.^[14]

   • Social support is also important to keep a relationship going. Your relationship is more likely to go the distance if your friends and family support it and love your partner.

You seek him out for comfort in times of trouble.

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1. If you hit a snag, there's no one else you want to be with. Going through adversity together tends to heighten your romantic passion, making you fall more and more in love with him. Anthropologists call this "frustration attraction," and it typically results in the two of you growing even closer than you were before.^[15]

   • You also likely want to seek him out for comfort because you know that he'll know exactly what to say or do to make you feel better. You have a close emotional connection and know you can depend on him for support.^[16]

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You no longer stress about past relationships.

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1. Because you're in love, the past fades into the background. If you start dating again shortly after the end of a relationship, you're likely to still have some feelings for your ex (even if those feelings are anger and resentment). These rebound relationships tend to burn out fairly quickly.^[17] But if you're truly in love, you likely won't even think about your past relationships anymore.

   • Love feels so good that you want to focus on it to the exclusion of everything else. This helps you release any lingering worries you had about people in your past.
   • Because you're so happy to be in love, you might even start to feel grateful that your previous relationship ended, because it freed you up to be in love with this man.

You imagine the two of you in the future.

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1. Because you're in love, you want him to be by your side long-term. Another chemical your brain will bump up production of when you're in love is oxytocin—and this helps the two of you build a stronger bond and start thinking about the future together. Maybe you're talking about getting married someday, or you're thinking about buying a house. It could even be something as simple as planning a vacation together next year. Regardless, you feel like you want this guy with you for the long haul.^[18]

   • It can take a little longer to get to this stage for some couples, so don't worry if you're not here yet! Just enjoy the time you have with each other and it'll come.

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You find it easy to compromise.

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1. You value what's best for both of you over what's best for you. You know that it's you and your partner against the world. When you disagree, you work to compromise and find a solution that works for the two of you as a couple, rather than seeing the disagreement as a battle that you must win. You're happy to adjust your "wants" as necessary if they conflict with his.^[19]

   • This doesn't mean you sacrifice your needs! In a truly loving relationship, both of you are getting your needs met. If you have conflicting needs or if he expects you to sacrifice your needs for his wants, that could be a sign that this isn't the best relationship for you.
   • Reader Poll: We asked 507 wikiHow readers how they would handle conflicts in their relationships, and 56% said they would work through it until they found a resolution. [Take Poll]

You only have eyes for him.

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1. When you're in love, no other man quite seems to measure up. If you fall in love with someone, you typically find that you're unable to conjure up romantic feelings for anyone else. There's actually a scientific reason for this! A 2017 study showed that the brains of people in love produce more central dopamine—the brain chemical associated with attention and focus.^[20] You're so focused on him that everyone else fades into the background.

   • This might also be related to moving on from any previous relationships. Because you're now in love with this guy, you start to believe that the men in your past just didn't measure up.

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You just want him to be happy.

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1. You feel that his happiness is just as important as yours. This doesn't necessarily mean that you put his happiness above yours. But if you're in love, you tend to feel pride and happiness when your partner succeeds, even if you've failed.^[21]

   • For example, if he were to get promoted on the same day you got laid off, you'd likely be more happy for him than sad for yourself—you might even offer to take him out to celebrate.
   • You're also willing to make sacrifices for him when necessary. But be careful that you don't lose yourself in the process. Only make sacrifices that don't compromise your needs.

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